On Relationships.

This is a humbling post for me to write, for a couple of reasons. Anyone who really knows me, knows the following things:

1) I am intentional/intense about my relationships. I struggle when things don't "feel" right, or if I think that I've hurt someone.
2) I hate being wrong. I'm stubborn, and sometimes holding me accountable is a little like pulling teeth.

I have learnt a valuable lesson this previous weekend, and it has really shifted my perspective in a lot of different areas that I didn't expect it to.

I was having a conversation this weekend- my usual rant and she flat out called me on it. She said to me: "Heidi, in all of this- where are you in your relationship with the Lord". Of course I hemmed and hawed, and basically mumbled an answer of "well, no where really". I mean, what does He have to do with these flawed friendships, my "feelings" of inadequacy, and most of all the issues that "I'm" solving?

I have always put relationships at the forefront of my life. I long to be the "best" friend, the "best" wife, and if there is tension or I "feel" like the relationship is strained- that automatically becomes a point of failure for me. I tell myself that I'm not good enough, because this relationship isn't working.

So in answering this question above. Jesus has everything to do with it. He is the only one who is perfect, and will never fail us. He is the one, despite our brokenness, our sin, and our lashing out who loves us in spite of ourselves. I am never, ever, going to have complete relationships with other people if I am not seeking to put Jesus first. If I continue to measure myself with the standard of my relationships with those around me, it's always going to fall short. It's not fair to put that high standard on my friendships/relationships- because we will always fail in someway.

Now I'm not at all saying that relationships are not important, in fact quite the opposite. I believe that we were given friendship, marriage, and all those other relationships as a gift. What I am saying, is without Jesus- those relationships are not the way He intended them to be.

I certainly don't have it all figured out. Yes, I feel like a key has turned, and I've come to a new realization of who needs to be first in my life. I'm a "feeler" though, in almost everything I do. If I "feel" sad/awkward/uncertain- it almost always takes control of the situation around me. I am longing to let that go, not that I can't allow myself to feel certain ways...I can. In however I'm feeling, I need to seek the Lord and to listen to what He is telling me.

I was reminded in this conversation to look for the "lies" and the "truths". To write down/say out loud/etc what lies I believe. Maybe the lie is about self image, character, my relationships, my thoughts about others.

Why do I believe them? How does it make me feel when I believe them? Is this statement something from God (if it's self destructive, that's a pretty good clue that it's not). Why am I holding on to this lie?

Then, what is the truth? What is Jesus telling me? How will this release me when I can stop believing a lie, and start to really believe the truth? Where can I look in scripture to back up this truth?

I've started going back to devotions/journaling again. Currently, I'm working on My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought the book for my e-reader so that I have it on the go. I like that it's not too long of a read- which makes it easier to read daily.

Proverbs 30:5 says: "Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him".

Happy Monday sweet readers.

xo Heidi